Rowan Atkinson
as
Black Adder: Deep Space Ninth
by
Jeffrey Jacobs
with
Tony Robinson
Tim McInnerny
Hugh Laurie
Robert East
Stephen Fry
Miranda Richardson
Brian Blessed
Patsy Byrne
[Opening credits consist of star progressions as if flying through
space, until we enter the Worm Hole, which produces a Video Feedback
effect. (i.e. Low Budget.) At the end of the credits, we come our of
the Worm Hole to a shot of Deep Space Nine. The opening music is the
traditional Black Adder theme, but played with sounds similar to those
used in the opening credits of Doctor Who during the Davison era.]
`Living Room'
SCENE 1: Living Quarters of Commander Edmund Blackadder.
[The quarters are dingy and dirty and rather spartan, as you would
expect from a remote outpost like this one. There is a small cot and
a desk for writing. Blackadder is asleep on the cot when there is a
moo at the door.]
Door: Mooooooo.
Blackadder: Baldric, is that you!?
Baldric opens the door. It wooshes open and Blackadder is greeted
with a pungent sniff, something you just don't see these days on tele.
Baldric: Sir, the Captain has sent for you.
Blackadder (Still dazed from last night's chug-a-lug contest.): Go
away!
Baldric: But he said it was detergent, sir.
Blackadder: I believe you mean urgent, Ensign. Now sod off!
Behind Baldric, Captain Plantaganet listens intently to the dazed
Commander.
Baldric: But sir. . .
Blackadder: Baldric, get lost. Tell the Captain he can go to hell
for all I care, I'm not moving from this spot.
Captain: Attention!
Blackadder stands at complete attention as the Captain enters the
room.
Captain: Commander Blackadder, why have you not responded to my
summons?
Blackadder: Ah, sir. Of course I was in contemplation of our present
predicament.
Captain: And which predicament is that?
Blackadder: Insubordination, sir. This lack of respect for authority
must be stopped. Just the other day I heard Major Darling saying
"Tell the Captain he can go to hell for all I care, I'm not moving
from this spot," as I was telling Baldric here.
Captain: Enough, Commander. I expect to see you in Conference Chambers
in 10 minutes.
Blackadder: Sir!
The captain leaves the room.
Blackadder: Baldric?
Baldric: Yes, sir?
Blackadder: The next time the Captain wants to see me, would you be
capable of letting me know, or is that to complex a concept for
your puny sub-Andorian brain?!
Baldric: But sir. . .
Blackadder: No but's, Ensign. Just don't let it happen again. And
remember what I said about Insubordination.
Baldric: Sorry, sir.
Baldric leaves.
SCENE 2: Conference room, deck 3.
[Captain Plantaganet and Major Darling are sitting at the round
conference table in the centre of the room. There is a moo, and the
door opens. We see Blackadder slapping Baldric on the back of the
head as they stand in the doorway.]
Blackadder: Sir!
Captain: At ease. Dismissed, Ensign.
Baldric: Sir.
Baldric leaves the doorway, and Blackadder takes a seat at the
table closest to the door.
Captain: Commander. There has been a radiation leak on deck 37. Due
to the nature of this leak, we will not be able to seal it up for
at least a week. I am hence evacuating all crew from the
irradiate area in accordance with Starfleet regulation 4.75.2.6.7a,
Subsection 7.
Blackadder: Darling, your quarters are on that deck, aren't they?
Darling: Yes, sir.
Captain: That is why you're here, Commander. Major Darling will need
new quarters while this leak subsides. And since we are so low on
crewmans' quarters, I have assigned the Major to reside with you.
Blackadder: But sir, there really isn't enough room in my quarters for
two.
Darling: That's not what you said two weeks ago when Inca needed a
place to stay.
Blackadder: That's different! Crewman Inca and I were just discussing
subspace engineering that night. She and I were in heavy debate.
Captain: Yes, well, if you have enough room for Crewman Inca, I'm sure
the Major will not be any problem.
Blackadder: But there's no place to sleep, sir.
Darling: One of us could sleep on the desk.
Blackadder: The desk! You've got to be kidding.
Captain: Brilliant innovation, Major Darling.
Blackadder: Fine, Darling, I outrank you, so you get the desk.
Darling: But sir, I have a back problem. Doctor Nursie insisted that
I avoid warped surfaces.
Blackadder: Then don't sleep on your head.
Captain: Enough, Commander Blackadder. Darling will have the bed, and
you shall take the desk.
Blackadder: The desk! Sir, that desk is over 200 years old. It is
infested with flees and smells like Ensign Baldric's rotten egg
collection! I'd rather sleep on the floor. . .
SCENE 3: Living Quarters of Commander Edmund Blackadder.
[Blackadder is lying on the floor as Darling is sitting on the cot,
removing his shoes. He tosses one off and it lands on Blackadder.]
Blackadder: Yow! Watch what you're doing, dundlehead!
Darling: Now, now, sir. Remember what the Captain said, "Your
co-operation is of the utmost to the proper functioning of this
outpost."
Blackadder: Oh, shuddup and go to sleep!
The next morning, Blackadder is awaken by the exercise regiment of
Darling. Darling is doing jumping-jacks as he counts aloud.
Darling: 273 - 274 - 275. . .
Blackadder: Must you make all that noise, Darling?
Darling: 276 - Yes, sir - 277 - I like to - 278 - keep fit - 279 - by
exer - 280 - cising each - 281 - morning - 282. . .
Blackadder (Looks at clock.): It's .3 in the morning, Darling. Even
the rats aren't up yet!
Darling: 301 - You know - 302 - what they say - 303 - about early -
304 - to bed, - 305 - early to - 306 - rise. - 307. . .
Blackadder: . . .Leads a man to a tired and cranky demise. Must you
make all that noise?!
Darling: 313 - A daily - 314 - regiment - 315 - of 500 - 316 - jumping
jacks - 317 - a day, - 318 - Commander, - 319 - without - 320 -
fail. - 321. . .
Blackadder: 312 - 313 - 314 - 315.
Darling loses his place in counting.
Darling: Darn it, sir. You made me lose my place. Now I have to
start over again. 1 - 2 - 3. . .
Blackadder gets up, puts on some clothes and leaves the room.
SCENE 4: Bar.
[The bar is immaculate. The Ferengi bartender, Anthony Cecil Hoffman
Melchet XVIII, sits calmly behind an empty bar.]
Melchet: Ah, Commander Blackadder, how good to see you again!
Blackadder: Can it, Melchet. And where are all your customers? Have
you been feeding them Gogh again?
Melchet: Heavens no, Blackadder! New policy. No more serving
alcohol. Nasty stuff! It makes you go all gooey and mushy. Not
at all good for the morale.
Blackadder: Not good for the moral!? Good heavens, man, ALCOHOL IS THE
MORALE! If it weren't for this bar, everyone'd probably be down on
Bjora, drinking themselves into the ground!
Melchet: I'm sorry to here you say that, Commander. Why don't you
have a nice glass of warm milk. That's what my mummy used to give
me whenever I was in such a sour mood. On the house.
Blackadder: On the house, you say? Well, I've never turned down
anything on the house before.
Melchet: There there. Here you go.
Blackadder sits down at the bar as Melchet serves him the drink.
Blackadder: Melchet, you're the only Ferengi I know, who not only
would NOT kill his mother for a profit, but would let the other
Ferengi who did borrow your mum on weekends!
Blackadder takes a sip of the milk, and promptly spits it out.
Blackadder: This is disgusting!
Barrelling down the hall, we here a larger than life voice.
Voice: Come back here and fight like a man, you stupid rat! I shall
take great pleasure in destroying you!
Constable Armageddonf passes the door to the bar, and sees the
disgusted face of Commander Blackadder.
Armageddonf: WHAT!? Is that a spot on your counter, Melchet!?
Melchet wipes up Blackadder's mess.
Melchet: See, as good as new!
Armageddonf: Is the Commander bothering you, Melchet?
Melchet: Certainly not! I always enjoy a good customer. Care for a
glass of milk, Constable?
Armageddonf: (Ignoring the offer.) Is this Ferengi bothering you,
Commander? If he is, I can have him flogged until he screams for
mercy, and then drawn him in boiling oil.
Blackadder: (Long pause as others look on intent.) No, that won't be
necessary just yet, Constable, but I'll let you know.
Melchet: See, Constable? I run a happy establishment.
Armageddonf: Are you sure no-body wants to FIGHT!
Blackadder: Actually, you know Constable, I believe Major Darling has
been looking for a good fight. You can find him in my quarters,
counting to see how many shape-shifter jokes he knows.
Armageddonf: Terrific! The battle is on!
Armageddonf leaves in a hurry. Just then Baldric comes out of one of
the Brothels dressed in drag.
Baldric: Care for a night of pleasure, Milord?
Blackadder: Baldric, is that you?
Baldric: Oh, hello sir! Just earning a bit of extra turnip money on
the side, but business has been rather slow recently. I heard
about you loosing your room to the Major. If you want, you can
a room with me here. All you have to do is put on this dress.
Blackadder: I'd rather run naked through a homosexual nudist prison
colony, shouting "Oh, I want you so bad, it's driving me mad."
Baldric: Wasn't that a Beatles song, sir?
Blackadder: The only beetles around here, Baldric, are the ones in
your hair! Now, come on and get dressed, we're on duty.
Credits
Commander Edmund Blackadder................Rowan Atkinson
Ensign Junior Grade Baldric.................Tony Robinson
Bjoran Envoy, Major Darling Percival........Tim McInnerny
Chief Engineer George Hanover.................Hugh Laurie
Captain Harry Plantaganet.....................Robert East
Melchet.......................................Stephen Fry
Trill Envoy Inca.......................Miranda Richardson
Constable Armageddonf.......................Brian Blessed
Doctor Nursie.................................Patsy Byrne
Music By
Jeffrey Jacobs and the BBC Radiophonic Workshop
Lighting
Photoelectric Tube
Producer
Jeffrey Jacobs
Director
Jeffrey Jacobs
(c) BBC MCMXCII